Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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