Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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