We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Please don't give away my fajitas
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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