I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
