Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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