I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize