chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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