I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
