Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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