DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
