We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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