i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
