Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
