I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
