Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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