I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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