nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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