smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
