allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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