So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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