Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
