nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
