Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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