my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
