4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
