just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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