i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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