You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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