the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
