My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
