My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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