bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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