I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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