there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
