u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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