The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
