I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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