I seem to have left my pride at pride
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
