I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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