never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
