Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She bit a glass in half.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
