I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
