Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize