Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
