So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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