i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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