yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
