if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
