I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
