Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
