im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
