My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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