Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
