just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
