One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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