My liver just broke up with me...
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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